What you don’t Know.

Here is a rant I stumbled upon that I wrote some time ago but never felt safe enough to actually publish. It is a rant coming from a place of pure frustration in trying to navigate this world as a depressed person. I couldn’t say when I originally wrote it because I had already hit edit before I checked, but I can see that there are 25 revisions on it, which is a testament to the subject matter. Today, I just finished a sentence and then added the last two. I am grateful that I am not feeling like this today, but recognize the sentiments as ones I have felt time and again. I publish this now with angst about how it will be received, but I hope it will serve as an insight into the inner workings of someone who is experiencing a depressive episode and that it will garner further understanding into the madness that lay within (at least me), and perhaps it will also help someone else out there who knows the struggle feel less alone today.

Merci.

I don’t want to be disabled. I don’t want to tell people that I can’t get through a day. I don’t want people to know exactly how bad it really is. Sometimes I hate the life I’ve created. I don’t know how to problem solve anymore or how to fix it most days. And on the days I do I write down greats lists, and then I lose them, or I forget them. I don’t want to be one of those people that by my own terms isn’t “normal.” I don’t want to depend on people, not for stuff like this. I don’t want to have this damn illness. I don’t want to feel like I don’t have control over my mood, my emotions, my mind, my thoughts, or my energy. I don’t want to feel like I have to monitor myself all the time and be extra careful. And I’m sick to death of always doubting myself and second guessing myself. I don’t want to not trust myself but at the same time I don’t know if I can. It’s so incredibly hard not to trust your own judgement, especially when you need to be able to do that to get better. I just want to have a meal or a drink without worrying that it may have an adverse or undesirable effect – I mean a cup of coffee shouldn’t be something I need to put that much thought into. I don’t like watching how my relationships have become strained or damaged. I don’t like feeling dysfunctional. I hate remembering the person I was some days, because it such a stark contrast from how I am today. I hate that nobody knows how bad I really feel about myself. I walk around every day feeling so ashamed when I can’t do the things that other people think I should be doing, but also I have news for you, I think I should be doing them too, and I’m super frustrated that I can’t. And I feel like such a failure. I also hate how afraid I am to share anything with anyone. I’m so afraid of what people will say, the look on their face, how I will cope with their absence if they go away, their well meaning but ignorant suggestions to get better. In truth I am afraid of everything now. And I hate that. I used to be fearless. I don’t like not being able to remember things I did twenty minutes ago, or not knowing what the day of the week is, and yet being able to remember things that happened twenty years ago like it’s right now. I don’t like the changes that have happened to my body, to my skin, my hair, my teeth, my ability to move. I hate the word neurotic and I don’t think it’s a nice thing to say about people. I wish that when I stepped out my door people could see that I am actually sick and that they would be okay with that. I wish that when people found out about my illness that they would accept it for what it is and not look at me in a way that suggests it’s my fault or the result of some kind of inherent defect in my makeup. I wish that people wouldn’t start talking to me like my IQ just dropped by 50 points because I say the word mental before illness. I wish there were more organizations out there that really knew what people like myself need or were at least willing to listen. I wish people understood that medication doesn’t always work for everyone, it isn’t as simple as popping a magic pill, sometimes it takes a really long time, and even when it works it’s not enough. People need more support then that. I would like to see people truly grasp the struggle and rally behind us. Besides, if all I had to do was take a little pill to resume life as I want it, don’t you think I would do it? In a heartbeat, yes.

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