If Life had a Handbook;

It might read like this…for those of us who just seem to get hung up on the details…

You will disappoint people.
You are going to let people down.
You’re not going to be there for someone at a time when they really need you.
You are going to fail at things, maybe even a lot of things.
You are going to have very valid reasons why these things happened, or why you behaved the way you did, and it won’t matter. It won’t matter to anyone else, and it won’t matter to you. Everyone will have tunnel vision.
People are going to get angry with you. Some people may even stay angry for a really long time, or even forever.
You’re going to feel paralyzed by fear.
You will be so confused you will not know what to do.
You are going to disappoint yourself.
You will have a hard time looking in a mirror.
You are going to feel grossly inadequate in absolutely every way.
You’re going to feel ashamed and guilty.
You’re going to have a really hard time having a conversation with someone.
You will lose a friend, or two, or more in your lifetime.
You’re also going to be very disappointed, and feel let down.
You’re going to feel wronged, and betrayed.
You will cry in front of someone and it will seem like they do not care.
Someone will treat you with cold indifference regarding a problem you’re having.
People will see the injustice, and tell you it’s not fair, it’s not true, it’s not your fault, you didn’t do anything wrong, you didn’t deserve it. You will not believe them.
And it will not change a thing.
There will be people you desperately want in your life who will choose to walk away and you will feel abandoned and rejected and wounded and deeply flawed and unlovable.
You will feel so, so lonely, and alone at times.
You will feel so much pain, and inner turmoil and anguish.
You will think that nobody understands you, or what you’re going through.
But they do.
You are going to feel a fiery anger burning deep inside of you and you are going to lose your temper, maybe once, maybe twice, maybe many, many times.
You are going to do and say things that you will come to regret.
There will be things you can’t even imagine forgiving yourself for.
But you will.
You will have days when you feel wrung out and spent, and like you just don’t have it in you to go on for another second.
You’re going to think it’s pointless.
You will question your choices and your sanity. Repeatedly.
You will wonder why or how you got yourself into this and worry that you won’t be able to get yourself out of it.
But you will. You may need help. But you will. It may take time, maybe even longer that you want it to, BUT you will.
You will want to run away. You will want to hide. You might even do it. Repeatedly.
There will be times when you will just want to give up. And you will.
You will not feel like trying again.
You will choose to walk away.
You refuse to try again.
You will decide that you want things to be different.
You will try again, but with a twist.
There will be times when you will have no choice but to give up, and walk away, and you will know that you can’t try again. Something has come to an end.
Things are not always going to be okay, or going well.
You are not always going to be okay.
It’s okay to be sick, it’s okay to be giving less than 110%.
It’s okay to have times where you give no %.
It’s okay to not give a shit.
It’s okay to not want to do something, and it’s hella’ okay to say no.
It’s also very okay to say yes.
This is normal. It’s life. It’s part of the way we experience life as humans. It’s inevitable. You cannot change this anymore than I can change the number of species of spiders on this damn planet, much as I would like to.
But you can change your focus.
Take a breath.
Recognize that sometimes your perception can get skewed, that you can get caught up in it, and that your expectations can get out of whack with reality.
Reality is also all of the good things.
Birds that sing. Climbable trees. A lake and all the fish that swim in it. Mountains. The moon, the stars. Writing. Creating. The smell of pine, peppermint, or sandalwood. Swings. Campfires. Love. This reality is also life, and the possibilities are endless.
You don’t have to do anything to earn this life.
If the universe saw fit to bring you fourth then there is no need to argue.
Go and take up the space that is rightfully yours and just be.
No apologies.
No debts owed.
No strings attached.
You are so hard on yourself…..
You do have to kick your own ass and pat your own back most of the time and it sucks but you also have to ask for help when you need it…you have to stand up for yourself and tell people what you need, what you like, what you do or don’t want, what you will tolerate, and toughest of all, tell them how you feel….how you really feel….
BUT…
You do not have to do everything.
You can take your time. Take all the time you need.
You are allowed to screw up and make bad choices. Own them. Deal with them. Then leave them behind. Move on. Even if others will not.
And let other people own and deal with theirs.
You do not have to fix everything.
You are not responsible for everything.
It’s not always about right or wrong. Sometimes it’s more about do you want to go left or right? Up or down? It’s about if you want to stay turn to page 78…if you want to eat ice cream turn to page…
You don’t have to have all the answers or know how things are going to turn out. You just have to be willing to flip that page. Especially when you’re the author.
You do not have to tarnish your glow so someone else’s seems brighter.
You do not need to stifle yourself so someone else can appear to be growing.
There is no need to make yourself small so someone else can look big.
You do not have to be weak so someone else can prove they are strong.
You do not have to lose your voice in order for someone else to find or use theirs.
Do you see that’s okay for you to be happy? Even if other people are not? Even if those people are people you love and care about?
It is.
Things are not always going to be fair or just.
Things are not always going to be equal, and they don’t have to be.
It’s also okay for you to be sad, and angry, and excited, and let yourself feel and express all of it, and any other emotion you feel. Even when others don’t feel the same way.
Even if it makes them uncomfortable.
It’s okay if the pendulum swings your way once in awhile.
It’s okay to accept, and embrace good things happening in your life, even if they aren’t happening for other people.
It’s okay to be okay.
Yes, again, even when others are not.
Remember – You only have one life to live.
That doesn’t mean you only have one shot to get it right.
It means you only have one shot to live it.
So live.

 

 

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When it Rains

When it rains, I’ll cry too.
When it’s torrential and the wind blows, I will weep, and sob and shudder.
When it storms and the wind drives the trees from their roots, I will fall on my knees and join them.
I will wail and moan like a Banshee, I will pound the ground with my fists, I will claw at the earth and break my nails in the mud.
When mother nature sends her best I will spread my arms and look to the skies and scream.
Many questions that deserve answers.
But to one there is none.
Why.
I will not wait for answers. Could not hear them anyway.
I will collapse on the ground.
I will dig myself in. Plant myself.
I will be still. I will be a rock.
I will fall quiet.
The water will wash over me.
The waters can drench me. Tear my clothes from me. My hair will cloak me and my soul would never abandon me.
The water will wash over me and I will stay. The water will pool around my knees and still I will stay. The water will creep up around my neck and still I will stay. The water will nip the tip of my nose and I will raise my head and catch a glimpse of myself on the shore.
I will stand up.
I am scared and alone and I will make my way over to her. The water will rush at me begging me to stay. I will reach out to her in desperation, with trepidation.
The water will wash over me. I am lost. Will she help me? Can she?
When it floods the rivers will swell and the banks will come
up to greet me and take it all away.
The filth. The black. The empty.
The water will wash me.
I will be clean.
When the clouds shift and the moon and stars spy me in their glow, I will feel vulnerable.
I will wonder at my smallness and gasp at the vastness of space and time.
I will feel humble.
When the sun shines I will see the glory of life all around.
I will marvel at its colours, and delight in its sounds. I will fall in love with its magic and its mystery.
I will stay until the warmth penetrates me and sets my soul on fire.
I will feel new.
And when the wind kisses a gentle breeze that caresses my cheek, I will feel loved. And when she gusts and plays with my hair I will feel embraced, and I will spread my arms and look to the skies and gesture THANK YOU!
I am reminded I am alive.
And when I catch a glimpse of myself, I will smile.
I am free.

Brain Dump – Read at your own Risk

Struggling. Struggling. Struggling.

Struggling to keep up. Struggling to put words to paper.

Struggling to keep it in. Confused by emotions, flooding in from places long since abandoned, memories lost and found.

Today was not a bad day. It was not a horrible day. There were moments of the spilled milk variety. Apathy being the correct response since the deed is done, but more importantly since it cannot be undone.

Taking stock lately, finding myself wanting. Afraid. Afraid of success, immobilized by fear. Hating myself. Feeling weak. Getting angry. Brief moments of sun providing clarity.

Is it the weather? It has been misting a lot lately. Grey, grey, wet days. Wet ankles. Ugly boots abandoned to the spiders in the closet. Let them have at it.

Fog too, covering the mountain, like a scene out of the Hobbit, and I love them all. Mom doesn’t care much for either the fog, or the Hobbit, but I am not sure about the mountain. My body walks away from it in the direction of the bus, toward my responsibilities, toward the life I have carved out for myself, but my orbs linger behind me as long as they can, and my heart longs to walk toward it, into it, disappear, swallow me up. Only to the outside world. Once hidden inside it is sure to be a magical place of exploration, of discovery, of privacy, of solitude.

Struggling. Struggling. Struggling. To define myself. To find my place in this world. I think I want to move to America. Been thinking about it since childhood. Will she have me? What am I? Where am I headed? What do I want to do? What CAN I do? Am I a writer? An advocate? A coach? All of the above? None?

Self doubt is the school yard bully. Finding out you are the school yard bully is a nasty surprise in your peanut butter cup. Can’t really look at it the same way after that. Forever reminded. There is always a hesitation. Of trust.

Take a bite any way. A bite out of life.

Recently I watched a movie. The Book of Life. I received two messages;

1.) “He wasn’t afraid of being a bullfighter, he feared being himself.”
2.) “…anyone can die, it takes courage to live.”

From these I learned that I am afraid to be me, the whole me, and nothing but the me. I also recognized it DOES take courage to live. To put yourself out there, to risk, to love. To speak . To speak up. To speak out. To let yourself slide into those emotions good and bad. Courage to be yourself. To write, to advocate, to coach. To figure it out. Strong enough to try, n’est-ce pas?

Life is challenging. But the beauty of rising up to meet its challenges is discovering who you really are and what you’re made of.

I don’t know if I am late out the gate or not. I only know that it is time.

Mentally Me – C/P