And here I sit…

…alone in a room…nothing but the sound of the drip, drip from last nights rain outside my window….sometimes maddening…demanding that I march, pick up my pace, run with it.  But I am not like the remnants of last nights rain, for surely it is harried because it’s own end is in sight…whether the sun comes out or not it will be gone by days end…and so there is an urgent need for it to be seen and heard one last time lest it be forgotten.

I understand. I too have lived in the shadow of this fear. Once I am gone from here who will remember me. Who will recall the way my voice sounded, or the way I carried myself. Will I have had an impact, and was it good. Will I have made a difference. I very clearly remember the day I said when I die I don’t want the only mark I leave behind to be on a tombstone. It was born out of a great desire to do good, and a faith in self that I was just coming to know. In honesty, however it was mostly born out of the unshakeable fear of being forgotten.

Every year it seems I start down a new path of discovery, as if there is a theme running through my life. There are years that have been more difficult than others, like when I was dealing with old wounds. It’s amazing how we can be so unwittingly enthralled by echoes. Then there were years that had me feeling on top, years of growth and rebirth, years of testing the limits of strength, years of conquering. Last year was one of those years for me, and I am grateful because so far this year is quite different.

This year the theme seems to be ugliness. Not the ugliness of the world, but the ugliness of self. I have always believed that most people are born with equal measures of good and bad in them. Always stood by the notion that each of us capable of great things and heinous things alike, and that our direction, the shift of the scales toward good or bad, usually comes down to two things, choice foremost, and then opportunity.

But I have stared that beast down before. This is a different beast.

The one that lives inside of me. My Beast. Full of all the things I do not like about myself. The real things. Not the things we all like to get caught up with, or distract ourselves with, the things we either have no control over, like our hair colour, or the things we secretly hope someone else will chide in on and tisk tisk away. No I am talking about the real ugly. The deep rooted character flaws. The things we would never admit to someone else. The things that despite our best efforts are inherently are a part of our make up, or more precisely they are who we are.

This is one ugly beast…

…and I have been struggling a great deal with it. I have been trying to hold back the ocean by using the blackened sky as proof the moon was never there – in other words I have been fighting a losing battle, attempting the impossible.

I have discovered that the reason for dancing with this beast is not so that I can change her but merely so that I may know her.

Acceptance in its purest form. Acceptance not of the beast, but of myself.  And in doing so I can learn more of myself. Like I suspect the reason I don’t want to be forgotten when I’m gone is because I desire greatness, to be admired, not by a few, but by many. Vanity.

So I am learning to embrace this beast, in spite of myself. And so doing I am also learning to embrace myself. My whole self.

After all, how can I know, and love myself, if half of me remains hidden, even to my own eyes?

How could I stand tall? What pride is to be had in owning the garden but never having planted the seeds?

How can I be vulnerable? What risk is there in revealing that which is already seen?

And in fairness how could I ask someone to love me,  if I cannot say with great conviction…this is my Beauty, AND this is my Beast.

…know thyself….still some of the worlds most powerfully written words.

C/P

When it Rains

When it rains, I’ll cry too.
When it’s torrential and the wind blows, I will weep, and sob and shudder.
When it storms and the wind drives the trees from their roots, I will fall on my knees and join them.
I will wail and moan like a Banshee, I will pound the ground with my fists, I will claw at the earth and break my nails in the mud.
When mother nature sends her best I will spread my arms and look to the skies and scream.
Many questions that deserve answers.
But to one there is none.
Why.
I will not wait for answers. Could not hear them anyway.
I will collapse on the ground.
I will dig myself in. Plant myself.
I will be still. I will be a rock.
I will fall quiet.
The water will wash over me.
The waters can drench me. Tear my clothes from me. My hair will cloak me and my soul would never abandon me.
The water will wash over me and I will stay. The water will pool around my knees and still I will stay. The water will creep up around my neck and still I will stay. The water will nip the tip of my nose and I will raise my head and catch a glimpse of myself on the shore.
I will stand up.
I am scared and alone and I will make my way over to her. The water will rush at me begging me to stay. I will reach out to her in desperation, with trepidation.
The water will wash over me. I am lost. Will she help me? Can she?
When it floods the rivers will swell and the banks will come
up to greet me and take it all away.
The filth. The black. The empty.
The water will wash me.
I will be clean.
When the clouds shift and the moon and stars spy me in their glow, I will feel vulnerable.
I will wonder at my smallness and gasp at the vastness of space and time.
I will feel humble.
When the sun shines I will see the glory of life all around.
I will marvel at its colours, and delight in its sounds. I will fall in love with its magic and its mystery.
I will stay until the warmth penetrates me and sets my soul on fire.
I will feel new.
And when the wind kisses a gentle breeze that caresses my cheek, I will feel loved. And when she gusts and plays with my hair I will feel embraced, and I will spread my arms and look to the skies and gesture THANK YOU!
I am reminded I am alive.
And when I catch a glimpse of myself, I will smile.
I am free.