When it Rains

When it rains, I’ll cry too.
When it’s torrential and the wind blows, I will weep, and sob and shudder.
When it storms and the wind drives the trees from their roots, I will fall on my knees and join them.
I will wail and moan like a Banshee, I will pound the ground with my fists, I will claw at the earth and break my nails in the mud.
When mother nature sends her best I will spread my arms and look to the skies and scream.
Many questions that deserve answers.
But to one there is none.
Why.
I will not wait for answers. Could not hear them anyway.
I will collapse on the ground.
I will dig myself in. Plant myself.
I will be still. I will be a rock.
I will fall quiet.
The water will wash over me.
The waters can drench me. Tear my clothes from me. My hair will cloak me and my soul would never abandon me.
The water will wash over me and I will stay. The water will pool around my knees and still I will stay. The water will creep up around my neck and still I will stay. The water will nip the tip of my nose and I will raise my head and catch a glimpse of myself on the shore.
I will stand up.
I am scared and alone and I will make my way over to her. The water will rush at me begging me to stay. I will reach out to her in desperation, with trepidation.
The water will wash over me. I am lost. Will she help me? Can she?
When it floods the rivers will swell and the banks will come
up to greet me and take it all away.
The filth. The black. The empty.
The water will wash me.
I will be clean.
When the clouds shift and the moon and stars spy me in their glow, I will feel vulnerable.
I will wonder at my smallness and gasp at the vastness of space and time.
I will feel humble.
When the sun shines I will see the glory of life all around.
I will marvel at its colours, and delight in its sounds. I will fall in love with its magic and its mystery.
I will stay until the warmth penetrates me and sets my soul on fire.
I will feel new.
And when the wind kisses a gentle breeze that caresses my cheek, I will feel loved. And when she gusts and plays with my hair I will feel embraced, and I will spread my arms and look to the skies and gesture THANK YOU!
I am reminded I am alive.
And when I catch a glimpse of myself, I will smile.
I am free.

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Success

I had the privilege of putting together the newsletter for a local non profit the last two months and I wanted to share the blurb about success from the last one.

How do you measure success?

Most of us measure it by what we have yet to achieve.

We picture climbing mountains where success is only met when we reach the summit.

But success is not a destination; it is an experience. One we can have over and over again, and one we get to define.

What if success were as water from a tap?

What if it could be moulded to fit the containers of where we are right now? Sometimes we choose big containers, and sometimes small.  After all in life there are times when success is simply getting out of bed today.

And what if we didn’t capture it at all?

The journey of water does not end at the drain; it goes on seemingly forever – at treatment plants, at sea, when it evaporates, and when it returns as precipitation.

Perhaps then success is a fluid and ever present thing which responds to us, and is constantly in motion in our lives in one form or another.

Even when we aren’t sure that it’s there.

Comments are always welcome.

C/P

Short and Sweet

Okay short for me. I have been sick so I haven’t felt much like blogging.

I’ve noticed when I have a fever I am not like other people who run for the tylenol and thermometers. I don’t care how high it is, and I would rather sink down into it than get rid of it. I crank my heater up, wrap myself in layers and blankets, add fuel to that fire and stoke, stoke, stoke.

It got me to thinking about whether or not I do the same thing with my depression or my anxiety?

Do they feel like a warm cup of cocoa on a cold day to me?

I know there are times when I get up in a foul mood and I give it a big old hug. I speculate it is because on those days I couldn’t care less about anything, including people, or what they think, and this is in stark contrast to how I normally spend my days thanks to my social anxiety, and PTSD.

I overanalyze every aspect of my interactions with others. I study patterns. I look for shifts in peoples body language, eye contact, and even their breathing for clues as to how I am doing in the world today. What am I searching for? Cues on how to behave. Indications of danger. Subtle expressions of like or dislike. Approval. Disproval. Validation.

Yes.

But there is a silver lining. A few actually.

I am accutely aware that these thoughts are happening and so am able to cast them off as need be and focus on validating myself. Additionally, I have used my ability to tune into others throughout my life, and especially in my career. I am a great listener, not just becuase I listen to what is said to me but because I am very intuitive and can read between the lines. My intuition about people, and situations are rarely proven wrong, which has served me well when investigating claims, and interviewing clients.

I also think this has left me more self aware because I am so intimately acquainted with what makes me tick, good and bad. I have learned to accept these quirks and flaws as part of my make up, and also part of what makes me special.

So perhaps when I sink down into the thick of it, and embrace all that negativity I am really striving to learn, and to conquer.

Perhaps that isn’t so bad.

How have your experiences with life, and/or your illnesses shaped you? What unique quirks and flaws have you been left with? How do they make you special? If you have never taken the time to examine your quirks and flaws in a positive light maybe now is the time. Do you have lightning fast reflexes? Super hearing? Can you read lips from across the room? Do you seem to cause people around you to spill all their secrets? Can you navigate really well in the dark? Are you capable of sneaking up on people because of your amazing abilty to stay very quiet? How can these unique flaws be turned into positive skills you use in every day life?

If you feel like sharing, please comment.

Mentally Me – C/P